Sailing Away- My Everyday Battle With Chronic Depression

Some days are so much worse than others. Some days, everything you touch falls to pieces and everything that could go wrong goes wrong. Some days you find yourself mumbling, “I can’t wait for this day to be over,” even though it’s only ten in the morning. We have all had days like those, right? I know I have days like those, and when I do, everybody knows it. I am such a crybaby! Maybe I need to start passing out invitations, because I really do throw myself pity parties all.the.time, and when I do, they are complete with streamers, balloons, and cake and ice cream. I throw some ragers, but I know that my friends are getting tired of attending. Why? Because the music sucks. And people get tired of hearing the same old sad song they hear at every other pity party that I’ve thrown.

I feel like now is the perfect opportunity to explain some things about myself. I love to blog about my family and things that all of are accomplishing as the years go by, but I don’t frequently open up to the internet world about my feelings or things that I am going through. That changes with this post, because keeping things bottled up inside is KILLING me.

First of all, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and a severe anxiety disorder when I was 18 years old. I have always struggled with my emotions and stress management, but I was highly against medicating for issues like that. I wasn’t raised in a home where people took pills every day, and I looked down on the "pill popping world".

It took me a few years to suck up my pride and seek help for things I was going through. Things were becoming unbearable and so hard to deal with… small things would stress me out so badly that it felt like there was a weight on my chest, and it was so heavy that it would squeeze all of the air out of my lungs. My heart would race and I’d struggle to catch my breath until I worked myself up enough to induce a panic attack. Those are SCARY. It took 12 month of therapy to teach me how to deal with stress and how to calm myself down when I found myself struggling to breathe… literally. Honestly I still have these panic attacks a few times a week, but that's so much better than having them a few times a day.

That’s just the anxiety side of my issues.

The chronic depression is triggered by the anxiety… basically I get stressed out and then I eventually just shut down. I stop eating, I won’t get out of bed, I have no emotions, or I’m mean to everyone. I snap at my loved ones and burst into tears for no reason. I channel my frustration into school or working out, hoping and praying to God that keeping myself busy will allow me to get my mind off of how miserable I am. I start to hate myself because I have SO much to be thankful for in my life. I have been so blessed, and I loathe myself for not being more humble. “You are so ungrateful,” I think to myself, “snap out of it.”

But I can’t.

It’s just who I am… I have bounced on and off of medications since I was a freshman in college. I have tried eating a healthy diet, drinking water, taking vitamins and iron supplements, exercising, seeking spiritual gratification through prayer and scripture study... but NOTHING has worked.

After I had Ryan I went through some serious Post-Partum Depression. I will save the details of that for another post, but it was not pretty. It was really scary, and honestly I am still scared. I am so scared I am never going to obtain the happiness that I have been seeking for so long. I am scared I am never going to fully appreciate my son’s kisses and his toothy grin, or my husband’s warm embrace. I have a beautiful family and I just don’t feel happy. Ever. I have started a new medication called Effexor and things are getting better, but not as quickly as I would like them to. Most anti-anxiety medicines are mind numbing, but I’d rather numb the pain than feel so sad all of the time.

I guess the reason I felt the need to explain myself now is that I know I have been a Debbie Downer on Facebook lately. When I hang out with my friends I am completely aware of the fact that I don’t smile much, and I know I don’t laugh nearly as much as I used to. Maybe it’s because I lost my best friend right before Ryan was born. Maybe it’s from the stress of graduate school. Maybe it’s the chronic depression… Regardless, I need to stress the fact that I am working on myself. I am tired of crying myself to sleep at night and hiding the bags under my eyes with bronzer. I am not blind... I can see my friends' expressions change when I start talking about how stressed out I am. I watch their eyes shift or roll as they uneasily change the subject or tell me jadedly, "You can do it." I can do what? Graduate? Then what? This isn't something that is going to go away when I get my diploma! This is my life! ...I guess I just need my friends to understand what I'm going through right now, what I'll always go through.I need them to know that I have highs and lows and that I need a strong support system on those days when I bottom out. But it's hard to explain those things to people who have never experienced it themselves. Regardless, this post is my attempt to do so.

Please be patient with me, friends. I am getting there. “I’m sailing away. I’ve set an open course for the virgin sea. Because I’ve got to be free… free to live the life that’s ahead of me”. I’ll break these chains sooner than later, and the old Cathy will be back. Remember my loud obnoxious laugh? It’s just on vacation right now, but I can’t wait to hear it again myself. Thanks for waiting with me!

"Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed- For I am thy God and will still give thee aid. I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand, upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand."